I think I finally got it. Please try 2.72 (up now), and if it doesn't work don't bother reporting back. I'll ride off into the sunset, resigning from computers for the rest of my life it this wasn't it. Only joking, of course, let me know either way.
I'm not 100% certain at this point, but I think it might have been a compiler bug. It's take A LOT of effort and experimentation just to get this far.
I may have only fixed the access violations that 2.71 were getting. I really, really, hope not.